


Bottles & Teardrops

by ypsese



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: 707 | Luciel Choi's Route, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Child Abuse, Depression, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Doki Doki Literature Club!, Inspired by Music, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Romance, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trust Issues, dark themes, self - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-28 03:28:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14440476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ypsese/pseuds/ypsese
Summary: "Little balls of sunshine, all rubbing together like a bundle of kittens. I reach inside with my thumb and forefinger and pluck one out.It's warm and tingly.But there's no time to waste! I put it in a bottle to keep it safe. And I put the bottle on the shelf with all of the other bottles.Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row."MC hid how she felt behind a wall of happiness and understanding. But there is only so much she could take.





	Bottles & Teardrops

Inspired by Doki Doki Literature Club 

~

** MC's Perspective **

 

I couldn’t help but resent Rika. 

What could have possibly made her so fucked up, that she thought she was the messiah that would bring happiness to everyone. No sorrow or pain should be inflicted on any soul.

How was joy supposed to feel good when you’d never experienced a shed of misfortune in your life? What would you compare it to? What would joy really feel like?

I had been abused by my father, and could faintly remember sorrow and pain and pressure. Maybe that was the reason I was so brash and blunt, I didn’t want to waste a single moment.

Maybe that’s why I love Saeyoung.

I was drawn to the sombre volition he fronted. He was a fallen angel, just as beautiful as his brethren if not more so from his pain.

The moon glistens. The very same light that glistens in the eyes of my heart, or was it my soul? Some things are just confusing.

Against the waves of water, I feel my heart tighten like it’s being held hostage in my chest. High above my feet dangle, the coldness of the night whispering across my neck.

Perhaps I'm merely projecting my emotions into my head. I don’t trust anyone enough to escape my thoughts.

…Why don’t I trust?

What’s wrong with my head.

A constant battle, thrashing inside my skull. A rush of blood.

Logic fights sorrow. My poor heart, I don’t think it has the strength to keep beating.

I’d given everything I could for them, I’d be nice and calm and sweet. I’d fought off the constant roaring in my ears, I’d fought off the rusty scars on my wrists.

I’d given them my happiness, that lingering, fleeting feeling that I so desperately tried to cling to. I’d give them my humour, I’d give them my smile.

And for a moment they’d be happy, but then…they want more. Like a ball of pulsing laughter, warm tingling feelings. And every time I let one go, it shatters against the tile between my feet.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor.

They were supposed to be for my friends, my friends who aren't smiling. They had asked me to join this random organisation,plan their fundraising party, and fix their puzzles. I gave them advice, I gave them optimism, and I fell in love.

But all they did was take my happiness and demand more. And now Rika is back, but she speaks no words. And now V is dead, from his own ignorance, and Saeran is suffering from their transgressions.

Was it wrong of me to be so upset?

Was it wrong to feel so selfish?

Why did I suddenly disappear after everything was fixing itself?

Did I only exist to help everyone but myself?

I was only temporary…a means of righting the wrong.

They were all so shocked to see Rika come back, and suddenly, I was suffocating in her shadow. After V’s funeral, I found myself walking in steep shoes concreted to the floor.

My shoulders felt as if they held the weight of the sky. The sky which made my muscles burn and teeth clench and heartache.

The clumsy staples that held my heart strings would pop if I panicked too loud.

I could not scream in fear of losing myself to the cyclone in my head.

How did I manage to hide this all behind a frail smile, I knew my eyes looked sad despite my happy-go-lucky composure.

_Why did no one notice my paIN?_

As Rika, despite her mortified state, still managed to grab the rug that snuck under my feet and pulled it from under me. I tried organising meetups, I tried contacting my friends, but they all seemed too busy.

Jumin was fighting off his father's girlfriend and his unpronounced fiance. Jaehee was handling the company and digging up dirt on Glam and Sarah Choi and everyone else seemed to slip through my fingers.

Zen said he was too busy with his script readings and musical performances to get out of work and Yoosung said that his mother had come down for the weekend to come see Rika.

Seven broke my heart the most. I’d offered so many times to help him with Saeran but he’d pushed me away. It wasn’t as harsh or as hurtful as before, but my heart pulsed whenever he would shake his head and turn away.

I would sometimes stand in the hospital room with all my RFA friends, I would watch them interact and laugh and pull fun at each other and I would feel myself slowly flittering into invisibility.

I was not permitted the privilege of being with Seven anymore, he was so focused on saving his brother and by God, there was nothing wrong with that.

Seeing Saeyoung with so much conflict and hurt in his eyes made me sad. And yet, I couldn’t speak for they would not hear, and I couldn’t move because they would not care.

I tried to pick myself up and dust away from the lingering feeling of self-destructive thoughts. But my life was in Saeyoung’s hands. His hands which were shaking and trembling with exhaustion. Those hands in which he held his twin brother, and promised everything was going to be alright.

Those hands that cradled his heart, which had no more room. Full of destruction, sorrow and pain. Full of love and kindness. But there was no room for me anymore.

I’d fallen harder than I’d ever imagined and now I was fading into the background.

‘The best way to clear your head is to go for a walk’, that’s what Zen told me anyway. And since I had no one to talk to about my thickening self-hate, I often went on walks.

The sky was clear, no clouds. Just swirling shades of deep blue. The sky was sad, it was always with me but I could never really touch the blue hue. My fingers scraped the sunset and the soft thump of music betraying my ears.

It was a chore to even breathe sometimes. A chore to drag my legs across the ground, a chore to open my eyes. Because when my eyes were open, I saw pain, I felt pain, and it would not leave.

It was hard to live in a world where I knew I amounted to little. Every day I would try to smile, but it felt wasted upon my face. Like bad scarring from a fire, but the fire was my will. It was ashen, smokey and chocking up my throat.

The smoke had been exceptionally heavy that day, I could barely see three meters in front of me as I stumbled from my bed, dragging myself into the kitchen where pills were strewn across the bench.

A bottle of whiskey was left uncapped and three glasses. All were used, rolling around on the counter dangerously close to the edge. I lumbered across and took the bottle, chugging a mouthful back on my way to the bathroom.

I showered numbly and got dressed. Feeling the heartbeat of the apartment suffocating me. The walls were closing in around my head and I felt my nails scratching at my chest.

My eyes started to twitch, my skin felt like fire and I could feel my veins twisting in my skin. My sadness overwhelmed me, I was suddenly remembered about everything I wasn’t, everything I could never be and how much I didn’t deserve the people in my life. 

I sunk to my knees, dull colours evading my view as the sinking feeling started to expand from my chest. It ventured into my body through my blood. I felt tears blur my vision and all that heavy, aching weight on my chest become unbearable.

That was the very moment I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew I couldn’t bear the pain anymore. I knew it was my fault for being tossed aside. I knew I was too weak and pathetic for this world.

I just knew.

_Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get_

_out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head._

_Get._

_Out._

_Of._

_My._

_Head._

_Get out of my head before I show you how much I love you._

I brought my fingers through my hair, tearing it out in chunks while I wailed and sobbed and cried.

I don’t remember exactly how hysterical I had gotten, but I’d managed to punch a hole through my bedroom door and had gotten a worrying call from my neighbour when I started screaming.

I knew if I stayed in my apartment any longer I’d do something I’d regret.

I decided to go for a walk.

Walks were nice, I had no reason to be anywhere and it was the perfect excuse in regards to responding to Seven’s messages. I liked being let out of my mind for a fleeting moment before someone dragged me back by my feet.

When I was outside in the sunlight, things seemed less grim. Some days, I’d walk until my feet started to bruise and my toes went red.

Other days I’d find a park bench and sit for hours, staring at the sad sky. But today I was walking in random circles, I wouldn’t have stopped walking if I didn’t see two familiar figures in the distance.

“Zen…Yoosung?” I said, a frown spreading across my lips. My voice travelled far across their shoulders and they stiffened up at the sound, their feet halting in the sidewalk.

The two men turned to me, surprise flickering in their eyes. Crimson to amethyst they looked too shocked for it to be normal like it wasn’t a happy surprise. There was regret and panic hiding behind their faces.

“(Y/N)…?” Zen smiled wirily and Yoosung’s face blanched.

I stared at them, confused. I felt naive, stupid and young. Belittled under their gazes. I knew what I was thinking was silly and they were probably happy to see me, but I was insecure.

So much so that my mind was poisoning me. Every single thought had twenty million negative aspects weighing down the positives. I couldn’t escape the hate that burned into my skull. 

Why were they here, approaching Rika’s neighbourhood with…trinkets and food?

“What are you…?” I tried to say but my voice came out trembling and I shut myself up. I could not show them, not even for a fraction of a second.

I realised the reality of the situation quickly. They had lied, knowing full well that I would have asked to help. But I was an outsider now, alienated. And my eyes were tarnished, never would they lay eyes upon Rika.

Why had they lied?

“We were just visiting Rika…” Yoosung explained, his expression looked almost guilty.

“I see…” I forced a smile, I made it spread across my face, burning my flesh.

“We didn’t think Rika was ready to…see you yet…since you’re..well you know…”

“Her replacement?” I offered. My heart stung admitting that awful truth, but from my eyes, it was plain to see. But the comment made Zen’s neck tense and his handsome face twisted up in disagreement

Apparently, my gesture had shocked him.

“(Y/N)…” Zen said softly, his fists tightening by his sides. “You’re not her replacement…” His voice got significantly lower when he finished his sentence.

The tone sent a shiver down my back and I blinked at them, feeling the cold stab through my winter jacket.

Obviously, I wasn’t Rika’s replacement. Her shoes were filled with poison and broken glass and sorrow. I didn’t want to fill them.

But I had too because it made them smile.

“Of course,” I mused. “That was silly of me wasn’t it?” I giggled and poked my cheek, tilting my head. The wind picked up again and blew my hair across my face.

They seemed unnerved by my cheery deflect from the sad conversation and Yoosung stepped forward and tried to reach for me. I twisted my shoulder and smiled at him.

“(Y/N)…” Yoosung said softly. “Are you okay?”

Oh, how that small act had ruined me completely. What was okay? Was okay crying myself to sleep? Was okay wishing the pain away only to be assaulted with more? Was okay being imprisoned inside my own mind.

My heart pulsed in my chest and I felt an ache thunder behind my eyelids. I grinned, pulling the most genuine smile I could grasp it.

“I’m okay Yoosung, in fact, I’m great!” I said, beaming at the two men. Zen’s face softened and Yoosung blushed. Zen opened his mouth to say something but I started to move.

“I’ll talk to you later then?” I said, turning on my feet and waving at them, “Bye~!”

Zen frowned again. “(Y/N)…wait!”

 

~

 

My nightmares were vivid flashes of memory. Blood weaving through my fingers, glass threading into my flesh, and the typical elitism that flashed in my father's eyes.

I remembered crunching bones, shattering glass and painful screams. I remembered sore wrists and shudder gasps and the awful feeling twisting in my gut.

 A numbness would settle between my legs, an empty, void feeling soaking into my skin like bread and butter pudding. 

Maybe I should have told Seven about the abuse I suffered. Maybe I should have told him I’d been raped, but my mouth felt like lead and my salvia was poison.

I couldn’t deny that his kisses on my neck were addicting and his touches had me shaking. My love for Saeyoung had managed to wrap around my throat and choke me to tears.

For some reason, I found myself hailing a cab, giving the man Seven’s address and then standing outside his bunker, twiddling my fingers nervously.

I tugged at the wires of my headphones nervously, shifting my weight as I stood at his door, waiting for him to answer the buzz of the doorbell.

Normally, Seven would answer his bunker door with a cheerful smile and scoop me into his arms and spread kisses across my face, making my day a little brighter.

But he didn’t answer for the longest time, and my panic began to consume the little warmth I had left.

I could feel the eminent poison flooding back into my head and it started to thump. A lump of white pressure and hurt lodge itself into my throat and I could feel my eyes start to sting.

I stood in the cold, knees bobbing and teeth chattering for forty minutes before the crackling of the intercom.

“(Y/N)…?” Seven’s normally cheerful and lulling voice was soft and sad. Hearing him like that made my chest hurt and I swallowed thickly.

“Hey, Sae…” I whispered into the intercom circle, holding the button. I hear him sigh through the other end and my heart plummets another twenty meters. I knew I shouldn’t have come, I was just bothering him. 

“What are you doing here? I told you to stay at the apartment until Saeran stabilised, I didn’t want you getting hurt.” He scolds, almost angrily through the dotted mic and I flinch, turning away from the CCTV camera.

“S-Sorry Saeyoung,” I confess looking down at my shoes. “I just…I…” My lips wove together. “Never-mind.”

“(Y/N)…” Saeyoung’s voice was even softer than before, it felt as though he was reaching his hand out to cup my face. “Is everything …alright?”

I jolted in my feet and looked across at the CCTV camera, my heart almost exploded in my chest and I could feel the rush of blood pulsing through my fingertips and into the webs of my cheeks.

I inhaled and put on my best smile just for Saeyoung.

“I’m fine, I just missed your face is all.” I lied, blowing a kiss at the CCTV. The action made a pang of anger and guilt spring into my head and punch at the delicate walls of my mind. I silently wondered if I’d ever get to feel Saeyoung’s soft lips against my own ever again.

Probably not. The thought made my eyes ache and tears threaten to spill, but I pulled at my heartstrings and gather myself from hysteria. I was glad I could hear his wonderful voice one more time.

“O-Oh,” I could hear the blush in Saeyoung’s tone. I could imagine the cute little pink that would taint his cheeks. “You could have called me and I would’ve of come over. I’ve just finished with Saeran, but I have to be back soon.”

“No, no,” I reassured him with a smile. “I’ll get going, you get back to Saeran.”

“Wait!” Saeyoung called through the intercom. “(Y/N), hold up!”

But I was already turning back, I could feel the shake spiking through my wobbly knees and the constant throb of hurt in my chest. Tears blurred my vision as I turned back and bolted down the path and through the forest.

I could faintly hear the murmur of Saeyoung’s intercom and my heart was screaming at me, ripping and clawing at my flesh. I felt so pathetic, I was distracting him from looking after Saeyoung just because I was a needy, victimising, attention seeking shell of a girl. I’d shown how upset I was and now I was probably freaking him out.

I didn’t want him to worry about me. I didn’t deserve him, I didn’t want him to be upset, I didn’t want to be the cause of his anxiety. If I was even that much to anyone anymore. I didn’t deserve someone as beautiful and kindhearted as Saeyoung Choi.

I wanted to die. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone anymore.

But I loved him. I loved him even though I didn’t deserve to love him. My heart would beat _just_ for him. I would smile _only_ for him. I would laugh _because_ of him.

He was my lifeline.

If it wasn't for you, Saeyoung. I could sleep forever.

My legs dangled, like lose string. The gentle sway of my body as my toes stretched off the side of the chair. The pain tightening around my neck was comforting, it proved I existed.

I swung the chair close to my feet too far away now. Even now, I am still suffocating in my tears. I am sorry, that I was too weak to overcome the thoughts in my head. I was just like Rika’s legacy, I was just a pawn, and even as I felt the release, I was still crying.

~

_| 707 to (Y/N) |_

 

**707:** Hey honey!!!!

** 707:                    **

_Deliver at 12:59_

**707:** Are you okay? You ran off in a hurry before.

_Delivered at 13:01_

**707:** (Y/N) are you okay? Did something happen? Did I upset you?

_Delivered at 13:04_

**707:** (Y/N) please respond I’m starting to worry.

_Delivered at 13:10_

 

**_4 missed calls from Luciel/Saeyoung Choi_ **

 

**707:** Did you go out again maybe? Or are you angry with me? I’m sorry if I upset you but please don’t ignore me : (

 

_Delivered at 13:12_

 

 **707:** I thought I saw you crying before, why didn’t you wait for me, I would’ve have come out, I was just having trouble with Saeran.

 

_Delivered at 13:14_

**707:** Are you okay?

**707:** Babe, please answer!

**707:** I’m getting scared, please tell me you’re okay!

**707:** (Y/N) please.

_Delivered at 13:15_

 

**707:** God I can’t take it, I’m coming over, I’ll be there soon.

_Delivered at 13:19_

 

**20 missed calls from Luciel/Saeyoung Choi**

 

 

_| 707 has entered the chat room |_

 

**707:** Have you guys seen (Y/N)? She isn’t responding to my messages and calls…I’m worried.

**707:**

 

_| ZEN has entered the chat |_

 

 ** _ZEN:_** Yoosung and I saw her today on our way to Rika’s, she was acting quite strange.

 

| _Jumin Han has entered the chat room_ |

**_Jumin Han:_** Is (Y/N) alright? She hasn’t logged on in days.

 **707:** She was acting odd when she randomly appeared at my house before, she said some things and then ran down the pavement and into the forest. I tried calling her but she isn’t picking up.

 **Zen:** I called her as well, she went bolting down the street when she realised that we’d gone to see Rika without her.

 

| _Yoosung_ ★ _has entered the chat room_ |

 

**Yoosung** **★** **:** Maybe we hurt her feelings? I’ve been messaging her all day and she hasn’t responded.

 

| _Jaehee Kang has entered the chat room_ |

 

 **Jumin Han:** I don’t think (Y/N) is that sensitive, she seems to be a practical person and she would’ve understood the implications of your visit to Rika’s.

 **Jaehee Kang:** She has been inactive for approximately six days and twenty-three minutes. I’m quite concerned about her lack of communication.  
****

**Yoosung** **★** **_:_** God, I’m really worried now. Seven, are you going to her apartment?  
****

**707:** As we speak, she hasn’t even opened my messages.  
****

**_ZEN:_** I’m concerned, I hope we didn’t offend her.

**Jumin Han:** I’m sure its nothing, she might just be stressed about the upcoming party.  
****

**Jaehee Kang:** I’m sorry to say this Mr Han, but (Y/N) isn’t a robot. She’s actually quite sensitive and I’ve noticed she’s been more reserved as of late.  
****

**Yoosung** **★** **:**   
****

**Yoosung** **★** **:** I didn’t notice! I’m such a bad friend!

**Yoosung** **★:**

 

 

 

 

 **ZEN:** I’ve noticed, but I should have acted on it. She’s looked sad lately, I thought it was because of Saeyoung’s situation with his brother and became of V’s passing…but I’m not so sure now.

 

**ZEN:**

 

**707:** She’s not answering the door and it’s locked!!!

 

**707:**

 

**707:** I…I can’t. Oh god, what if she’s not here? What if they took her? I knew there were still remnants of the agency lurking and I can’t do anything. This is all my fault!

**707:**

 

**Jumin Han:** Calm down Seven, I’m sure this can be resolved, you’ve got the password, announce your arrival and walk in. 

**Yoosung** **★** **:** So brave!!! I’m sure (Y/N) is upset, it’ll be okay Saeyoung!  
****

**707:** I hope she isn’t mad that I broke in…I hacked into the alarm system so that it didn’t go off. It’s really cold in here…

 **ZEN:** Classic (Y/N) conditioning, she often broods when she’s upset.

 **707:** She’s not in the kitchen…

 **Jaehee Kang:** Check her bedroom…

 **707:** WQEBWEBFERTKTT4 EOJ CALL TEH POLICE CALL denftrntj4tk AMBULANCE

 

| _707 has left the chat room |_

**_Yoosung_ ** **★** **:** Omg, is (Y/N) okay?

**Jumin Han:** I’m calling the police right now, assistant Kang, please phone the ambulance.

 **Jaehee Kang:** I’m already doing so.

 **ZEN:** Omg…I’m FREAKING OUT, I hope (Y/N) is okay…

 

| _ZEN has left the chat room_ |

 

| _Jumin Han has left the chat room |_

 

_| Jaehee Kang has left the chat room |_

 

**Yoosung** **★** **:** Please let (Y/N) be okay…

 

_| Yoosung_ ★ _has left the chat room |_

 

_~_

 

Seven had never screamed before today. He’d always been such an obedient, quiet child. An obedient, quiet person behind his eccentric facade. All he wanted was for his brother and his girlfriend to be happy, so he’d followed the rules, he’d followed every order. 

He crept through the house, hearing the floorboards creak. It was eerily silent, so much so that Saeyoung could feel the hairs on his neck stand to attention.

(Y/N)’s door was left ajar, the cold wind of the afternoon brushing through and sending daggers of winter through his hoodie. He pushed at the door with four fingers and the wood creaked open.

His eyes set sight to a dangling body, a noose hung from the light that was plastered to the ceiling. Her body was swinging back and forth gently, a chair mere centimetres away.

She was wearing one of his hoodies, her thinly, frail body hollow in the clothes. Her hair was long and brown and ruffled, her eyes were closed and tear stains were engraved on her cheeks.

He stood there for a moment, face draining of colour and his honey iris’s filling with despair and realisation. He felt his hands lose their grip in his pockets and fall to his sides. He blinked hard, throat parched.

Saeyoung screamed. The kind of scream that would rattle your bones, thicken your blood and pierce your ears. He screamed, his shrieks penetrating the air. His heart shattered in his chest like reality was peeling from his bones.

He flinched, eyes closing with salty tears, knees buckling as he sucked in a breath. He crumpled, his body feeling boneless as tears drowned his face. He screamed and sobbed, wailed and cried, staring at her hanging body. He started to hyperventilate. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t see, he couldn’t believe.

He didn’t want to see it, he wanted to purge the memory from his mind. He didn’t want to believe it. This couldn’t be possible.

“No no no…” He whispered brokenly. “ _Nononononono_! (Y/N)! Please!”

He was suddenly scrambling to his feet, face blubbered with tears and snot, he sent a sloppy message on his phone and dropped it on the ground.

"Not you," He whimpered. "Anyone but you, please." 

He couldn’t remember a lot, he just remembered screams and tears and pain. So much pain. He remembered cradling her in his arms, kissing her cheek and her lips and her forehead, screaming at her, crying at her, watching his tears trail down her pale skin.

So many tears, so many teardrops. He could of collected them in bottles.

 

~


End file.
